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Ottawa to Introduce User Fees for Outdoor Skating Rinks: “If You Can Pay to Swim, You Can Pay to Skate”

OTTAWA – With money tight and the city facing budget challenges, Mayor Mark Sutcliffe announced today that outdoor skating rinks will soon operate under a new user-fee system. Under the plan, volunteer rink operators will need to pay for a license to maintain their local rink, while skaters will be charged a nominal fee per use. “This is about fairness and fiscal responsibility,” Sutcliffe explained. “We’ve got to make sure we have enough money to fund important projects like Lansdowne 2.0. A multi-million-dollar entertainment district won’t build itself, and sacrifices must be made. If people are happy paying to swim or skate indoors, why shouldn’t they pay to skate outdoors too?” The licensing fee will apply to community volunteers who maintain rinks at local parks, with the goal of “ensuring only serious rink operators step up,” according to city staff. “Not just anyone can be trusted to flood a rink,” said one city spokesperson. “We need committed individuals who are willing to inv...
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Mark Sutcliffe Launches “Fairness for Ottawa” Campaign: Demands Equal Funding for Bike Lane Removal

  OTTAWA – Mayor Mark Sutcliffe has announced a bold new “Fairness for Ottawa” campaign, aimed at ensuring the city gets its fair share of provincial funding to tear up bike lanes. The campaign follows Premier Doug Ford’s announcement that Ontario will cover the costs of removing bike lanes across municipalities—a move Sutcliffe says is “an exciting moment for roadways, but we can’t let Toronto hog all the cash.” “It’s a matter of fairness,” Sutcliffe said at a press conference. “If Toronto gets more money to remove bike lanes, that puts Ottawa at a disadvantage. I mean, what kind of message does that send? That they’re better at getting rid of cyclists than we are? Absolutely not. Ottawa deserves the same opportunity to reclaim our roads for what they were meant for—cars, SUVs, and the occasional Amazon delivery van.” Sutcliffe expressed concern that Ottawa might be overlooked in the province’s rollout of the “Bike Lane Liberation” funding. “Toronto has way more bike lanes than us...
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Ottawa to Mandate Asphalt Front Yards: “Why Stop at Widening Driveways When the Whole Lawn Can Be Parking?”

OTTAWA – In a forward-thinking policy designed to keep Ottawa on the cutting edge of suburban development, Mayor Mark Sutcliffe announced a bold new initiative requiring home builders to replace front lawns with interlock or asphalt. The move, which Sutcliffe calls a “win-win for homeowners and drivers alike,” will officially eliminate the hassle of grass maintenance while giving residents more space for their growing fleet of vehicles. . “With more and more Ottawans expanding their driveways to accommodate multiple cars, we’ve realized that limiting parking to just the driveway is holding people back,” said Sutcliffe. “Instead of making homeowners choose between green grass and grey asphalt, we thought—why not give them the full asphalt experience? It’s efficient, economical, and above all, driver-friendly.”   The new policy, dubbed Operation Pave and Save, will require all new homes in Ottawa to feature fully paved front yards. Existing homeowners will also be encouraged to “upgr...
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Mark Sutcliffe Cheers LRT Maintenance Closures: “Finally, More Cars on the Road—Exactly What Ottawa Needs!”

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OTTAWA – In the face of yet another series of maintenance closures on Ottawa’s troubled LRT system, Mayor Mark Sutcliffe has chosen to look on the bright side. “This isn’t just a transit disruption,” Sutcliffe said at a press conference. “It’s an opportunity. With fewer people using public transportation, we’ll see more cars on the road—which is exactly the kind of vibrant, vehicle-friendly future we’ve been working toward.” The LRT, notorious for its reliability issues, will soon undergo a series of planned shutdowns for maintenance, much to the dismay of transit users. However, Sutcliffe insists that these closures are not a setback but a step forward. “More cars mean more opportunities for us to address road congestion creatively,” he said. “In fact, the best way to reduce that congestion is simple: we need to remove bike lanes." The mayor explained that with the sudden influx of drivers, space on Ottawa’s streets has become a “valuable commodity” that cannot afford to be waste...
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Lisa MacLeod Announces $200 Cheques for Ontarians: “Who Needs Hospitals When You Can Buy a New Air Fryer?

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BARRHAVEN – As her political career winds down, MPP Lisa MacLeod commented on her government’s latest big-ticket idea: sending $200 cheques to every Ontarian, part of a $3.2 billion program that critics say is little more than a costly band-aid over cuts to health and education.   “Think of it as a little thank-you for sticking with us,” MacLeod told reporters outside a Tim Hortons drive-through. “Sure, healthcare is under strain and class sizes are getting bigger, but $200 can buy a lot of good vibes—maybe even a new air fryer if you time it right.”   The $3.2 billion cost of the cheque program, opponents argue, could have funded thousands of hospital beds or fully restored autism services, which MacLeod’s ministry gutted in a disastrous policy overhaul. But the MPP brushed aside the criticism: “Do people really want more hospital funding, or would they prefer a surprise chunk of cash? In this economy, I’d say the cash is a clear winner.”   MacLeod also took the opportun...
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Ottawa Announces Innovative Plan to Solve School Traffic: Drive Kids to School So They Don’t Have to Bike

OTTAWA – In a bold policy announcement, Ottawa officials have confirmed that the city will not be pursuing bike lanes to help children get to school, citing a more “sustainable” solution: encouraging parents to drive their kids instead.   “We’re embracing a proven method to make biking safer—removing the need for kids to bike in the first place,” explained Mayor Mark Sutcliffe. “By having parents drive their children, we eliminate dangerous interactions between bikes and cars. It’s a win-win—especially for the cars.”   City staff admitted that building safe cycling routes to schools would be ideal, but concluded that the logistics were too complicated. “Sure, bike lanes seem like a great idea on paper,” said one city planner, “but what happens when the snow hits? Or when little Jacob has a piano lesson after school? Parents would just end up driving anyway. This is really about saving everyone some time and heartache.”   Critics argue that the reliance on driving creates ...
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Ottawa Mayor Mark Sutcliffe Applauds New Ontario Law: “Bike Lanes Are for Sundays, Roads Are for Suburbs”

OTTAWA – Mayor Mark Sutcliffe announced today that the city will eagerly embrace Ontario’s new legislation allowing municipalities to bypass environmental assessments when removing bike lanes, calling it a “game-changer” for Ottawa’s future. “This new law finally gives us the flexibility we need to do what’s best for Ottawa: ensuring smooth, uninterrupted driving,” said Sutcliffe. “With fewer bike lanes cluttering up our streets, we can now focus on the real priority—widening suburban roads to meet the growing demand for bigger homes, bigger driveways, and, of course, bigger SUVs.”   Sutcliffe laid out plans to redirect funds originally earmarked for bike lanes toward expanding suburban arteries, including major roads in Barrhaven, Kanata, and Orleans. “It’s about meeting people where they live,” Sutcliffe explained. “And where they live is in the suburbs, behind the wheel of a crossover.”   The mayor reassured drivers that Ottawa will continue its commitment to “peaceful coex...
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Location: Ottawa, ON, Canada
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