Ottawa Announces Innovative Plan to Solve School Traffic: Drive Kids to School So They Don’t Have to Bike

OTTAWA – In a bold policy announcement, Ottawa officials have confirmed that the city will not be pursuing bike lanes to help children get to school, citing a more “sustainable” solution: encouraging parents to drive their kids instead.  

“We’re embracing a proven method to make biking safer—removing the need for kids to bike in the first place,” explained Mayor Mark Sutcliffe. “By having parents drive their children, we eliminate dangerous interactions between bikes and cars. It’s a win-win—especially for the cars.”  

City staff admitted that building safe cycling routes to schools would be ideal, but concluded that the logistics were too complicated. “Sure, bike lanes seem like a great idea on paper,” said one city planner, “but what happens when the snow hits? Or when little Jacob has a piano lesson after school? Parents would just end up driving anyway. This is really about saving everyone some time and heartache.”  

Critics argue that the reliance on driving creates a vicious cycle: more cars clogging school zones makes it even harder and more dangerous for anyone to bike or walk. But Sutcliffe brushed off these concerns, reassuring residents that this is “just part of the natural evolution of traffic.”

“You see,” Sutcliffe continued, “the more cars there are on the road, the safer it becomes—because everyone is moving so slowly that accidents are basically impossible. We’ve essentially created a mobile safety buffer zone.”  

Parents also applauded the city’s foresight. “At first, I wanted my kids to bike to school,” said Amanda Wilson, a mother of two in Orleans. “But once I realized they’d have to dodge SUVs, speeding delivery trucks, and potholes the size of craters, I thought, why not just drive them? It’s safer, and the line at the drop-off zone only takes 25 minutes.”  

Some parents admit that driving adds extra congestion, but the city sees it as an opportunity. “With more cars around, we’re paving the way—literally—for future road expansion,” Sutcliffe added. “The congestion isn’t a problem; it’s a roadmap to progress. Widening school-adjacent roads is going to create jobs and boost the economy.”  

The mayor promised that Ottawa is doing everything possible to ease the morning and afternoon chaos. “We’ve already made sure schools have plenty of parking for parents and teachers. Now we’re studying ways to streamline the kiss-and-ride process, maybe even introducing express lanes for families with multiple kids.”  

When asked if Ottawa would ever consider building bike lanes so children could cycle safely to school, Sutcliffe offered a practical counterpoint. “Look, we all want our kids to stay healthy, but who’s really biking to school in January? Let’s be honest—winter is nine months long, and kids hate biking uphill. If they’re going to whine about exercise, they might as well do it in the back seat of a warm car.”  

As the press conference wrapped up, the mayor reminded Ottawans that the city is fully committed to “active transportation” initiatives—on Sundays, during Bike Days, when it’s sunny, and no one needs to go anywhere important. “Until then,” he added, “if you want your kid to get to school safely, just do what everyone else is doing—drive them there. And hey, while you’re at it, why not pick up a coffee on the way?”  

With the school year well underway, city officials remain confident that Ottawa’s unique approach will keep both kids and commuters happy. “The less kids we have on bikes,” Sutcliffe concluded, “the better it is for everyone. Well, everyone in a car.”