Ottawa to Mandate Asphalt Front Yards: “Why Stop at Widening Driveways When the Whole Lawn Can Be Parking?”

OTTAWA – In a forward-thinking policy designed to keep Ottawa on the cutting edge of suburban development, Mayor Mark Sutcliffe announced a bold new initiative requiring home builders to replace front lawns with interlock or asphalt. The move, which Sutcliffe calls a “win-win for homeowners and drivers alike,” will officially eliminate the hassle of grass maintenance while giving residents more space for their growing fleet of vehicles. .

“With more and more Ottawans expanding their driveways to accommodate multiple cars, we’ve realized that limiting parking to just the driveway is holding people back,” said Sutcliffe. “Instead of making homeowners choose between green grass and grey asphalt, we thought—why not give them the full asphalt experience? It’s efficient, economical, and above all, driver-friendly.”  

The new policy, dubbed Operation Pave and Save, will require all new homes in Ottawa to feature fully paved front yards. Existing homeowners will also be encouraged to “upgrade” by swapping out their grass for either interlock brick, asphalt, or any other impervious surface. City officials estimate that this change could save homeowners up to $300 annually in lawn care costs—“or at least enough for a few extra jugs of windshield washer fluid.”  

“We’re not just getting rid of lawns,” Sutcliffe explained. “We’re liberating homeowners from the tyranny of mowing, weeding, and sprinkler bans. Plus, they’ll finally have enough space to park the crossover, the sedan, the summer convertible, the kid’s learner car, and the trailer without blocking the sidewalk. What’s not to love?”

Environmentalists have raised concerns about the plan, citing increased flooding risks and heat islands, but Sutcliffe dismissed these criticisms as "unfortunate side effects of progress." He reassured residents that any water runoff issues would be dealt with using the city’s tried-and-true strategy of “letting it all drain into Kanata.”  

“The way I see it, a front yard with no lawn is basically a carbon offset,” Sutcliffe said. “No gas-powered lawnmowers, no sprinklers, no fertilizer. Just clean, efficient asphalt—kind of like a miniature Queensway for your home.”  

In an attempt to address concerns about aesthetics, the city will allow homeowners to add decorative touches to their front-yard parking lots. “Residents can really personalize their space,” Sutcliffe suggested. “Throw in a couple of potted plants, maybe paint a hopscotch court or a pickleball line right on the pavement. We want people to feel proud of their new, practical yards.”  

The initiative is being praised by Ottawa’s real estate community, which sees the asphalt mandate as a way to appeal to prospective buyers. “The days of house-hunters getting excited about flower beds are over,” said one realtor. “What today’s buyer really wants is a seamless four-car parking zone that doubles as a basketball court.”

Sutcliffe also teased future plans to extend the *Pave and Save* initiative. “We’re looking at other possibilities to save homeowners time and money. Maybe eliminate backyards entirely and offer pre-paved patios? Or convert all front porches into carports?” He added with a grin, “Ottawa’s motto has always been 'Room to Grow.' We just never said it wouldn’t grow on asphalt.”

The mayor closed the press conference by thanking Ottawa residents for their commitment to progress. “We’re building the future—one paved yard at a time,” Sutcliffe declared. “And with enough room for everyone to park comfortably, we’ll finally end the scourge of on-street parking once and for all.”

As Sutcliffe stepped away from the podium, he reminded homeowners that with a fully paved yard, they could enjoy another huge benefit: “You’ll never have to rake leaves again.”