Mark Sutcliffe Cheers LRT Maintenance Closures: “Finally, More Cars on the Road—Exactly What Ottawa Needs!”

OTTAWA – In the face of yet another series of maintenance closures on Ottawa’s troubled LRT system, Mayor Mark Sutcliffe has chosen to look on the bright side. “This isn’t just a transit disruption,” Sutcliffe said at a press conference. “It’s an opportunity. With fewer people using public transportation, we’ll see more cars on the road—which is exactly the kind of vibrant, vehicle-friendly future we’ve been working toward.”

The LRT, notorious for its reliability issues, will soon undergo a series of planned shutdowns for maintenance, much to the dismay of transit users. However, Sutcliffe insists that these closures are not a setback but a step forward. “More cars mean more opportunities for us to address road congestion creatively,” he said. “In fact, the best way to reduce that congestion is simple: we need to remove bike lanes."

The mayor explained that with the sudden influx of drivers, space on Ottawa’s streets has become a “valuable commodity” that cannot afford to be wasted on cyclists. “This is about efficiency,” Sutcliffe declared. “Every lane taken up by a bike could be used for another SUV—or two if it’s rush hour.”  

 

When asked if the city could instead focus on improving transit infrastructure to reduce car dependency, Sutcliffe laughed. “You know, building reliable public transit is a great idea in theory. But we’ve already invested so much in that LRT system, I figure it’s time to double down on what works: more roads, more cars, and more drive-thrus. If we keep at it, every traffic jam will feel like progress.”

Sutcliffe assured residents that the removal of bike lanes wouldn’t affect the city’s commitment to active transportation. “Cyclists still have Sunday Bike Days. That’s a whole morning once a week! Honestly, I think they’re being spoiled. And let’s not forget the scenic paths along the canal—perfectly fine, if you don't mind the occasional goose attack.”

As for the transit-dependent Ottawans now scrambling for alternatives, Sutcliffe recommended they embrace the joys of car ownership. “The freedom of sitting in your own vehicle, stuck in traffic with a coffee in hand—there’s really nothing like it. And thanks to our recent investment in road widening projects across Barrhaven, that freedom is more accessible than ever.”

City officials also confirmed that the sudden increase in car traffic will justify expanding key intersections and suburban routes. “Congestion isn’t a problem,” Sutcliffe said confidently. “It’s a roadmap for future growth. Every new bottleneck is just an opportunity to justify more road expansions. And don’t worry—we’ll pay for it with the money we save by not maintaining those pesky bike lanes.”

When questioned about environmental concerns, Sutcliffe remained optimistic. “People talk a lot about climate change, but the way I see it, if everyone drives electric vehicles, we’re basically solving the problem. And sure, there will be more cars on the road now, but that just means more people contributing to our city’s economy with each tank of gas.”

Sutcliffe concluded the press conference with his signature upbeat tone. “Ottawa is a city that adapts. Whether it's transit outages, traffic jams, or the odd cyclist in the way, we find solutions. And if those solutions involve fewer bikes and more cars, well, I think that’s something everyone can get behind. Or at least stuck behind—depending on traffic.”

As he stepped away from the podium, Sutcliffe gave a final word of advice to frustrated transit users: “Just take the car. And if traffic gets bad? Well, at least you’ll have lots of time to admire our newly widened roads.”